Hey there guys & dolls. Mama Kitty here with a little advice for that ass. These golden words of wisdom were put together yesterday in response to a hilarious piece of WebbieShit™ posted by Jackpot over at SOHH
Here are some rules for the regular chick (or dude) who finds themselves at one of these all too happening "INDUSTRY" parties.
Rule #1
Murder the open bar. Especially if you’re a plus 1.
Rule # 2
Bring em’ out. “em’” – meaning your tiddies. Or your Hottentot mama Africa ass. Whatever one works best for you. Notice I said one. Not both. The goal is to look the part of a Sophisticated tramp. And in the words of my homie Toni, “make sure your shit cost”. That means no House of Derion ladies. Sorry.
***sidebar*** note to all the chicks who might actually ‘belong’ in the party, please take off that tired ass black dress you’ve been wearing since your days at Howard. If you MUST wear solid colors make sure it’s FLY.
Rule #3
Fuck that, WE dance. That bullshit they be talking about not dancing is exactly that, bullshit! Now I’m NOT saying start ‘dutty winning’ your weave all over the dance floor, nor am I inviting your 6 foot 1 big, dumb ass to start ‘walking it out’ in your church shoes(yes dude, your cards been pulled). But ain’t nothing wrong with a cute Mary j. blidg-esque two-step or an old school (LIGHT) whopping it out moment. The point is dance & have fun. And if your CUTE and can dance a little bit, (and your SMILING) it makes you even more interesting to the folks watching (trust me, they ARE watching)
This brings us to Rule #4
Dance with the white boy. Yes, he looks ridiculous. No, he doesn’t have rhythm. Yes, his nuts probably do hurt in them pants, But so what. Un-screw your face shorty, he just wants to dance. He’s not dragging you out the fields by you hair and forcing you to breed his mulatto babies. Relax.
Rule #5
Chat up the flyest gay boys at the bar. Be beautiful, fib a little. Smile and tell em you like his shoes. One of them is gonna get you in V.I.P. to introduce you to his man, who is probably CEO. And you know what that means……..photo op.
Rule #6
Now this rule is kinda tricky. Overall don’t be a THIRST BUCKET to get a photo. You may actually want to try and avoid the camera man. If you’re doing everything else right, he will find you. Don’t make any wack ass peace signs or blow kisses at the camera. Try something original. Shit, throw the black power fist up, especially if you’re white. (btw, it’s the RIGHT fist, get it together homie!)
Rule #7
Now were not saying get all "yes'am" But it's ok to smile back at the white girl on line in front of you in the bathroom. Not just any chick wears dark purple patent leather Valentino booties fresh off the runway. Exchange a card (if you have one). Recognize real.
Rule #8
Smile, chat up and mingle with the 4 people you DO know. You’re not a complete looser cause you’ve made it past the doorman. Now work what you got, but keep it moving, don’t stay up under the friend(s) you’re rolling with. Also don’t keep walking back and forth, it makes you look brand new. Make a couple moves to the bathroom and the bar and that’s it. I mean really, where are you going? Find a spot (preferable just OFF center of a decent source of light) and post your ass up.
Rule #9
Don’t lie. You’re here with a friend. It’s ok.
Rule #10
Last but not least. You don’t have a business card nor is your job “industry”. Your only hope is for people to like you on a personal level until you can polly some ‘’business” of your own. Smile. Tell a joke. Get at least 1 number.
Follow these rules and you might actually one day find yourself on “THE LIST”
- Kitty Hawk Brooklyn, New York City
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